Holy Boredom

I would like to think that I watch other people during church, to see their reactions to whatever is happening and see who is ugliest and who is the biggest pimp.

However, this is not what I do.

I sit there and stare straight ahead.

Church is the most boring thing ever created by man. Or Jesus, if you will. If you enjoy church, you don't know what church is. Maybe you confused the word "church" with "Stevie Wonder concert" or "Food."

I'm here to tell all of you: IT'S OKAY! YOU CAN ESCAPE!

How? you may think with hope and merriment in your eyes.

We've all been there. Last Sunday you used your "Get out of five minutes of church free by asking to go to the bathroom and then walk around outside and then probably go to the bathroom because why not" card. Don't get me wrong, I use about two a month. But this is not a permanent solution.

Let the boredom fill you from head to toe.

That's all there is to it.

Here are some tips to help you accept your boredom as part of the inevitable flow of emotions that life has to offer:

1) Don't be glad to sit down. You will have to stand up very shortly to recite something. The heartbreak may be too much to handle in the beginning.

2) During especially long stretches (like before communion), this is your reflection time. Think about the boredom, and accept it as your friend. Tell yourself, What could be more boring than this? You are experiencing something at its most sharp and painful: what other times in life can you be part of something so extreme?

3) After communion, pray for a few seconds like you usually do. Praying is the best part of religion anyways. It's like talking to yourself. (seriously, praying is not that bad)

4) Yes, the closing song is bittersweet. You are so freaking close to freedom! Let the teen-based music fill every boring pore in your soul until you can't take it any longer. A little bit of rage here is appropriate. Know that you can write a better song than these hypocritical elitists.

Follow my guide, and nothing will ever seem boring again. What could be more boring than church?

With my help, church can lead you to God.